So, it was only last weekend that I attended a workshop that has forever changed my life. In this post, I’m going to outline some of the core ideologies that form the foundation for the Wheel of Consent™; invented by Dr. Betty Martin, former sex worker, and delivered and taught directly to sex workers for ten years until about last year when she opened it up to the public.
There is only ever one person receiving and one person giving at a single time. Never are there two people receiving a gift or giving a gift in a given exchange, whether it be intimate or not.
So, why is this important? Because no matter what kind of experience you’re having with another person, everyone involved knows who the gift is for. When we know that this is for me or this is for you, our ability to accept and give with an open heart becomes fluid, and giving with an open heart is the bare minimum. When we’re not giving with an open heart, we only hurt ourselves in the process. But, when we know our limits and can offer a gift to someone within those limits with an open heart, we have the ability to create deep and transformative connections with people.
Strip yourself down to bare bones of what belongs to you, and only you, and you’ll find what Betty calls your Domain.
We all have “things” that are ours. Examples of what these “things” might be are our thoughts, feelings, traumas, beliefs, values, principles, self-worth, insecurities, fears, conditioning, pride, shame, guilt, oppressions, prejudices, morals, integrity, triggers… shall I go on? All of these “things” are ours to bear, acknowledge, respect, and take responsibility for. When two domains come together to attempt a collaboration, they find the limit–also called agreement. This is where the magic happens; this is how we find the ability to give with an open heart while respecting our domains.
I’ve already taken the initiative to incorporate these practices into my sessions of companionship and professional domination, and I’ve seen nothing but deeper pleasure and fluid communication for all parties involved. This is how I hope to move through work from now on so that I can facilitate an honest environment that allows for you and me to claim what we both deeply desire.
If you want to take a deeper dive into the wheel, you can find more on Betty’s site here where she dives into how to use the wheel in your daily life.